So. I know it's been a bit of a long time.
Long story short, I tried to kill myself, took a little vacation to the psychiatric ward for two weeks, and went through an extensive program of "how not to kill yourself and live with your self loathing"...again. And now, it's been 6 months, half a year, and here I am again. So I suppose I owe you all a hello, an apology, and a potential goodbye.
There are scars all over me. Some that are in plain sight, and some that you may never see. They're long, thin. They go deep. There are 40 on my arm- I spent many nights counting them.
Those who know what I've been and am going through will understand. But those who don't, those who ask and make fun and tell- please, get a life. There are enough to go around.
I've cut work on Evermourn, mainly because I don't have the time nor the motivation to keep going. My art style has changed a lot since six months ago and I'm not sure it would fit is also a thing.
I'm going to be leaving again for a bit, to take some time to think. Recover my wits. Convince my brain that it doesn't NEED to do these things, that we will be fine. Stay clean. Little stupid things like that.
I hate goodbyes. So instead of that, I'll say until we meet again.
I packed a bag two nights ago because I couldn't take it anymore in my house. No one knows it, but what I'm going through fits the scaffolding guidelines of emotional abuse. I'm guilted into being perfect. I'm not allowed to feel anger or any bad feelings, because to my parents, if I experience an urge after being triggered by something they said, it's "threatening" them, or pulling The Suicide Card, or something else. Honestly. I don't know about anyone else, but no one in their right mind ever would want to inflict that sort of psychological pain on their parental units. I know I'm fucked in the head, but JESUS, Mother, Father- get a grip.
I wear cat ears for a reason, they help me express myself. I draw to vent and for my own self enjoyment. As of recently, I have been told to stop doing both. My father appears bent on destructing me.
In my house, no one is free.
This was a morbid post. I'm sorry about that. But I've been getting so damn tired.
I don't want to go to Massachusetts. I'm not going to go there no matter what. I'll do whatever I have to. Run, get hospitalized, become a Buddhist monk- but I'm not being shipped off. Lately it seems the parentals are so sick of yours truly that they'll do anything to get rid of me. They do know that all they have to do is ask, right? That's almost preferable, in fact- much more favorable than feeling unwanted in your own home.
It's been 16 days without the Silver Square turning red and making new bar codes on my arm. I hope to keep it that way.
Adios, mes amis.
It's Been Awhile.
I know I said I would post weekly or something. Here's a word: BUSY. It means I got busy and/or too lazy/depressed to do much else except be on Instagram (@cactus_the_devin) ((LIABLE TO CHANGE.))
I feel weird.
Other stuff to read:
"Seriously. Stop talking." is what I would loooove to say to some people in my classroom for wellness. Especially those people who had the opinion that when someone is mentally ill they are "f---ed in the head". I'm not fucked up. I'm weird, crazy, and dangerous, but I am not fucked up. You, sir, are an asshole. I've added you to the wait list of the list of the "People I Am Planning to Kill in Many Different Ways" list. Go choke on a hedgehog.
Why do people say 'dead as a doornail'? There is no such thing as a doornail as far as I know (but there probably should be), and it adds a wonderful but inappropriate piece of humor to announcing that somebody's DEAD.
Speaking of dead things, I'm back in my horror phase. Lace, black, and dark makeup and fake blood here I come.
I SHOULD STAGE A SCHOOL ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!! PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE!!!!!
Everyone would dress up in their most creepy clothing and get zombie makeuped and walk around and the teachers could pre-prepare their lectures so they can speak zombie too and no one would have to talk and it would be
A piece of fuzz just flew onto my computer screen and I fell out of my chair because I thought it was a spider. I NEED HELP.
Stay stabby, unicorns.
I'm gonna have to start wearing a tinfoil hat.
So today is the day of silence in our school and I'm participating because it's easier for me to not have to talk to people (although around my friends I suddenly develop chatterbox disorder), even though I find it somewhat stupid to be fighting silence with silence. Eh, whatever. Anyway, I was in algeBRUH and really bored even though we were playing a game, so I decided to start coming up with random and crazy conspiracy theories. One of my best ones is right here:
THE SCHOOL-ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE-CONSPIRACY
School is supposed to make you smarter, thus enhancing the quality of your brain. Zombies loooove a good brain. Students follow a zombie routine: Wake up, eat, dress, get ready, go to school, go home, do homework, sleep, start over. I think you learn everything basic you need to live in elementary and middle school, and then high school, college, and anything beyond that is simply brain enrichment. When you graduate high school, the school will secretly suck your brain out through your nose and replace it with a new zombie brain. AND THAT'S WHY IT'S SO HARD FOR KIDS TO UNDERSTAND ADULTS UNTIL THEY BECOME ONE THEMSELVES.
TURN IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mother of fuck. So there was no teacher in class today and we were supposed to have a sub, but they never showed. (Personally, I don't blame 'em. I'd run away from this class too.) Anyway, some kid logged into the computer and started BLASTING trap and other disgusting shit all across the room. These people both disgust and scare me. More later. The bell's FINALLY about to ring. Never thought I'd say that.
Turn it the fuck off or plug in your motherfucking headphones. I need to bleach my fucking ears now. And excorcise my guts.
Excuse me, I have some self-eviscerating I need to do.
I am very bad at updating when I said I would update. Also, pirate music.
Spring break is over now and I'm fucking mad about it. Give me another 5 years and I'll consider going back. Maybe. Probably not. Anyway, to cope with this insanity, I've been listening to epic sounding pirate music and I feel like a badass at the moment.
Stuff to read:
364 days of the year should be holidays. That way if you get smash drunk, you don't have to worry about going to work or to school because IT'S A FRICKING HOLIDAY.
Genius.But then the world would go to shit because no one would be doing work. Hmm.
I've got it. Let's make Donald Trump and Hitler go do all the world's shit for us.
I told you I could be offensive. I AM PROUD OF THIS.
I asked my crush/best friend to Formal two days ago. Long story short: He said no and I cried up a lung. 4 hours of sleep and around 50000000 calories later I decided it didn't matter. But I'm still going because I decided it would be a great excuse to dress up and get that $300 dress I was coveting. GOALS, Y'ALL.
Rejection still hurts like a unicorn horn to the head but that's OK.
Because unicorns are awesome.
More more stuff:
I left all of my art supplies at work. Over $100 worth of Copic markers and a big sketchpad.
I think I'm gonna die of withdrawl.
Even more stuff:
Jenny freaking Lawson keeps liking my Instagram pictures and it's driving me nuts. I have around 6 reasons to die happy now.
If you want to see more random shit, check out @DEVINTHESTORM on Instagram. My photography, screenshots, and other crap is there.
Stay majestic, unicorns.
OH OH OH WAIT WAIT!
Sugar subsitutes wreak havoc on your insides and you should not eat them if you are me. Unless you want to grossly projectile vomit EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure no one wants that.
My head is trying to kill me. And not in a good way.
I THOUGHT I was coming out of it again until my brain decided to fuck up and forget to take my meds two days in a row. FUCK. I'm also typing this on my phone so it's a bit weird to update. Hopefully it doesn't look all screwy on a computer or something. That would be totally shitty. Anyways, I took a really cool photo and I'd love to share it but I don't know how. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW. I feel like an 80 year old. No offense, they are wonderful. But in terms of trying to figure out tech, we are pretty much the same. Other stuff: I hate my job.
Even more other stuff: I was crying yesterday and all by myself so I pulled out my phone and did a voice recording. Essentially, it was me talking to myself because I was lonely and scared and disappointed. MORE STUFF: There's this barrier between me and other people and it's called "having possibly over three but confirmed three so far disorders stacked on top of each other", so when someone says, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm not free. I'd hang out with you if I could, though," it's like a filter and my disorder filters it into: "I'm not really sorry, but I am either not free or pretending to not be free so I can keep watching Netflix and doing nothing, and ordinarily I'd love to hang out if only it was someone else because you suck and nobody wants to hang out with you." And then major depressive disorder goes into contractions and hyperventilates all over itself with the "everyone hates me I am all alone nobody likes me I hate myself arghhhhh" and anxiety is all like "bitch please I bet you did something wrong and now they will never accept you again" and then seasonal affective gets all huffy because "I knew we shouldn't have gone outside today because the sun sucks." And then all of them freak out because "OUR MEDS MUST BE FAILING US. WE ARE WORMS." And then I break down and go cry and dread going to work and dream about quitting except that I'm too scared of my boss to quit. FML.
On a side note, I keep making typos and there is a unicorn. I'm on spring break so I'll try and post, but chances are I'll be so busy doing nothing that I'll forget.
INSERT GOOD TITLE HERE.
Back to my post from yesterday, I'm not going to finish it. Why? Because the movie got a lot less depressing. The end. Anyway, I feel AMAZING today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too enthusiastic? ...Hells yeah.
UNICORN CAT CHICKEN RAINBOW.
There, did that get your attention? If it didn't, that's bad. PAY MORE ATTENTION PLEASE. (Thank you.) A random note about kittens: Kittens are amazing and if they can fit in my pocket when I'm old enough to live on my own, I. Am. SOLD.
I'm also designing stuff for a store that I might open for here, but I don't know yet. MAYBE.
The word "maybe" is just a yes wrapped in a mystery. Or at least, that's how it should be.
I could go on and on and on and ON about all the books they make us read in English class. But for now, here's a short summary for all you kids looking to cheat reading. (Kidding. Cheating is bad. Don't.)
The Odyssey: "Dad?" "Son." "Dad?" "Son!" "DAD!!"
Romeo and Juliet: Young teens! Let's kill ourselves because we hate our parents!
Cyrano de Bergerac: He who has a big nose gets no hoes.
Fahrenheit 451: I actually don't have anything sarcastic to say...oh wait. RUN, MONTAG, RUN!
Aaaand I forgot the rest already. SHIT.
See you, unicorns.
So it was my best friend's birthday yesterday, and it was great. I'm depressed again today and it feels like it's never gonna end, but SON OF A MOTHERFUCKER, I'm going to try. I had a good weekend, and I think it's just because it's Monday and I'm already back in school. MOTHER. FUCKER. Anyway. End of the quarter happens to be Thursday. Yippee. Failing three classes. WHEEEEE. So while I'm busy panicking and actually working well under pressure, life decides to hit me with one more whammy: Health class. We began watching a very depressing movie. More later, got to go.
IS THIS HOW YOU--HOLY SHIT, LOOK, IT'S A LLAMA.
So I was just off doing something like watching videos instead of HW ((It's OK, I can do it later, after 103 hours of procrastinating)), and I looked up and THERE WAS A LLAMA NEXT TO THE WALL. Except when I looked at it again, I saw it was a poster against doing drugs. All I have to say? WHAT WERE YOU ON WHEN YOU MADE THIS? How's a llama relevant to marijuana? I rest my case again. BUT GOOD ON YOU FOR THE NOTICEABLE LLAMA.
Ok I'm done. Back to procrastinating and griping about how commas and apostrophes work.
WHERE THE HELL'S MY SHIT?
First things first: It came back yesterday in a big wave and I had to ride it out. I appear to be back today, though. Second, back to random crap.
So most of the time I organize my stuff in my backpack and generally my phone goes in this ripped mesh pocket on the side that's really getting worn out and might fall out at any given time but I put it there for easy access. Anyway, I bought a water bottle today so I could paint later and put that in the pocket instead, so I put my phone in my coat pocket. A few periods went by and I forgot that I did that. Then math rolls around and I need my calculator, because I'm too lazy to hand calculate 144 squared. I looked in that side pocket and SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER where's my shit. I had a mini heart attack because I thought my phone fell out or someone stole it or something and on my phone are a bunch of stuff like stories and shit. So I kind of need it. ANYWAY, I'm looking everywhere, and on the last try when I'm about to give up I unzip my coat pocket and the little bitch falls on the floor so then I stare at it like "where the fuck did you come from" and then I put it back because "Oh yeah, it was in my fucking coat." Anyone else do this? I do it way too often.
Laughed my ass off at lunch today because my best friend was being obnoxious with slurping his drink. Actually, I was the one making the obnoxious slurps.
Even more stuff:
I've found myself wanting to go online shopping a lot recently because in my opinion it's a great self-soothe (it's not, apparently impulse buying is a behavior) ((ooh, scaryyyy)) (((Not.))) ((((Is that how parentheses work? No.)))). Anyway, to ease that interest I went on Pinterest and Bored Panda and OMFG LOOK AT ALL THE AMAZING RANDOM SHIT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. (I just misspelled 'beautiful' FOUR TIMES. WTF brain.) Pinterest does make me happier though, so go check it out.
Song of the day: Set It Off- Forever Stuck In Our Youth
I need a summer vacation times one million and two.
Oh yeah, a while ago, back in my second blog post ((Scroll WAYYY down)) I said I might be back later to gripe about all the shit I wanted to buy but couldn't because shopping doesn't like broke people. Anyway, it's technically later and I have work today, so why not now?
WHEN YOU'RE BROKE AS FUCK:
You can't buy that amazing shirt or skirt or pants or hoodie or purse or shoes you just saw at amazing prices.
You can look at everything and salivate over how much you want it and then they kick you out of the store for drooling on the merchandise.
You can try and break in, except that it's the middle of the day and security throws you out again.
You can get together with a band of wild unicorns that support your idea of buying all that cool shit and form a rebellion.
You "break in" but the unicorns can't fit through the revolving doors and so they use the automatics or just break a window.
Everyone is awed by the sheer power and majesticness (majesty?) of the unicorns and just stares while you get all the shit you want.
Everyone wins except the store but that's ok because SHOPPING DOESN'T LIKE BROKE PEOPLE.
Well, that escalated quickly.
A COMMENT ABOUT FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS:
Why the hell are people embarrassed about buying pads and tampons and shit? When I'm ringing people up for things like lingerie and underwear, no one bats an eye. To be perfectly honest, I don't care. BUY THE SKIMPIEST SEXY UNDERWEAR YOU WANT. I'm not gonna care, it's not my job to judge, and I'm not the one who's gonna be seeing you in it, am I? No. So if you're not bashful about that, why about buying stuff you need because you are in pain and BLEEDING??? I rest my case.
If Trump wins, I'm moving to Jupiter, where it rains diamonds and they probably have Unicornians.
I TOLD you I could be offensive. SORRY TO ANYONE WHO GAVE A SHIT.
WELL, THAT WAS SHORT LIVED.
It completely and totally motherfucking sucked but it's over. I'm out of the hole again. Getting back on your feet after a depressive episode is the toughest fucking thing to do, especially when you didn't give a shit about yourself a few hours ago. I'm lucky I'm not one of those people who can go into a depressive episode for weeks and weeks, I'm thankful. Even so, no matter how long it lasts from a minute to a month, point is, it always sucks. So points to all the people trying to deal right now. I'm not quite back to normal yet and I forgot to take my medicine today so pardon me if I act a little weird, but I'm feeling like I can actually do something this time. I still don't give a shit about myself, because that's the way I am, but I can care about the things in my life that matter so I can participate again. I still hate school though but I'm sure most people do. CALL ME UNGRATEFUL. I won't care, because it's true. I'm also an asshole. And a bitch, and a bunch of other things. But I'm also me, so you'll have to deal with that.
Other stuff to read:
There's a girl who I asked out a few days to around a week ago and she's sitting right across from me. AWK-WARD.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention: If you have a problem with nonbinary people, or different sexual orientations, this is not the blog for you and you should go on a quest for a unicorn somewhere else.
More stuff to read: Check out Jenny Lawson's blog at The Bloggess.com or something. Just search the terms "The Bloggess" in google and it'll pop right up. Contains lots of taxidermied animals, profanity, and cats, as well as stuff about depression and anxiety, so if you don't like that, then don't go. You've been loosely cautioned.
Slogan: I can try. (But it doesn't mean that I HAVE to if I really fucking can't deal.)
Song of the day: Why Worry by Set It Off and The City Is At War (idk who by. I found it in an AMV.)
It hasn't gotten better but it hasn't gotten worse either.
Alternate title: I feel like a noodle.
It's all in the title. I'm going to go back to being miserable and unable to function. I was just bored.
Alternate song of the day: If My Heart Was a House by Owl City.
Slogan: Don't be a french shower ring. (Douche bague.) Beautiful, right? YES.
Alright, back to being miserable. Bye.
There are these days where I wake up and I can't bring myself to get out of bed. Those days almost always suck. Today is one of those days and it is so far living up to its suckishness. I'm going to sound like a teenage soap opera when I say this, but I feel dead. Numb and uncaring, seeing the world through a gray filter. It's so fucking hard to deal and even just writing this has taken half of the period. I keep trying to remember to keep my head above the water that's swallowed everything else and remember that depression lies ((THANK YOU JENNY LAWSON)) but it's still. hard. as. fuck. I'll probably need to take a few days off to pull out of this stupid funk. Sorry, unicorns. I'll be back soon enough, but I just can't deal right now.
Song of the day: You're So Creepy by Ghost Town. I love the instrumental and the beat on this one and it's awesome. Also, there's a kitten at the end.
3/11/16: OH MY GOD, NO.
So one of my acquaintances who's more annoying than the rest always says things like when he gets mad, he "gives up on life". He also claims he will kill himself often, such as when he finishes an anime. ((And a bad anime at that.)) OH MY GOD, NO. ENOUGH. STOP. DON'T BE AN UNNECESSARY ASSHOLE TO THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY FEEL HORRIBLE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Seriously, we deal with enough SHIT every day without you making us feel bad about ourselves because IT REMINDS US THAT WE WANT TO KILL OURSELVES. So please, STOP BEING A NINE YEAR OLD TROLL. ((NOTE: This is NOT directed at nine year olds. It's at all trolls who ACT like nine year olds. Nine year olds are actually pretty damn awesome and you should go hug one RIGHT NOW if one is APPROPRIATELY accessible.))
Another subject: CHICKEN HATS.
I went online two days ago and searched the randomest thing I could think of out of pure boredom because I was procrastinating doing my homework again and I FOUND A CHICKEN HAT. It was hilarious and amazing and I asked my mom to knit me one. ((She said yes.)) I plan on taping a party hat to it and wearing my cat ears at the same time so I can be a MAJESTIC FUCKING CHICKEN CAT UNICORN. Or would it be cat chicken unicorn? Unichicken cat? I don't even know.
MORE STUFF TO READ (Again)!!:
There was this sign in my school but it was upside down so I was trying to read it and instead of saying "Bikini in the brains" like I THOUGHT it said, it was actually saying "BIKING WITH BRAINS." WTF is wrong with me? Furthermore, WTF is wrong with these people? Seriously. Everyone knows you bike with your legs. DUH.
The end for today. I will possibly be back later after work raving about all the things I want but I can never get because FUCK IT I'M DEAD BROKE (again).
OH WAIT, I LIED: MORE STUFF:
I met with my tutor today for the first time and she was chill as a cucumber but without the slime. In other words, she was really nice.
OKAY, NOW THE END.
Look what I found:
In case you can't see the image.
Cupcake headphones are the shit and I want some. Both the headphones AND cupcakes. I'M A FUCKING GENIUS.
Day Thre--You know what, fuck keeping track of things
HELLO!!! So, a few things. First: I've rearranged things so that newer posts come up first and that way you don't have to scroll an inconveniently long distance. THANK YOU. Secondly, check out the webcomic that inspired me to write my own webcomic. It's called THUNDERPAW: IN THE ASHES OF FIRE MOUNTAIN and it can be found HERE at http://thunderpaw.co/ . Anyway I have to get to class now so I will update again later.
See ya, unicorns.
DAY TWO: I AM STILL HERE. (3/9/16)
Wonderful. So I woke up late today and was all like "SHIT." But it turns out my clock decided to set itself 1 hour ahead so I THOUGHT I woke up at 8:34 and it was 7:34. Still late for me, but at least I was able to make it to school. Speaking of school, school still sucks. But I did that "happy photosynthesis" thing again today and still was able to do most of my schoolwork, so that's nice.
MORE STUFF TO READ.
I'm really starting to think that kittens are the earth's greatest gift and then my friend goes and discovers this thing called a momonga which looks like a cross between a gerbil and something else really cute. It's super cute, but...have you ever heard of a kittenguin? (Hint: Look at the home page.) Anyways, I don't have that much to talk about today other than the fact that my cereal tasted like coffee instead of chocolate, which made me wonder whether I was still asleep or not, and my friend and I pretended to be kittens at lunch by meowing at each other, licking our hands at random, and staring slightly murderously at anyone who stared at us. It was fun.
Song of the Day: Energy Drink by Virtual Riot. I'll generally post these songs so people can discover more music and yeah.
SO TODAY I WOKE UP AND WAS ALL LIKE "FUN STUFF TO DO".
First of all: Does the period go INSIDE or outside the quotation marks? (It looks better when it's outside but I might be wrong.) Second of all: First post ever. Fun stuff to do. Study hall period running out of time. Hurry up, self. OKAY!! So!
I think of a LOT of random things throughout the day, just as a warning. If you didn't read the homepage, go back and read it, then return. Thank you. Are you back now? Good.
STUFF TO READ:
I woke up today and was all like "OKAY, BRAIN!! FUN STUFF TO DO!!" But my brain was all like "Ewwww, schoooool. The alarm's beeping. Turn it off." So I turned it off and went back to sleep. WAY TO CARPE THE DIEM, SELF. Anyway, I woke up again and went to school. Now, normally in March it's all cloudy and gray and rainy and depressing and shit, right? WRONG. Today it's sunny as FUCK and WARM. It's like fucking SUMMER up in here. Given the fact that my seasonal affective disorder is affected ((HA HA)) by the weather, I was photosynthesizing like a plant but instead of energy and food it was HAPPY. It's hard for me to get happy and stay happy, but the sky today was all like "NO. YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY AND LIKE IT." So I went in all happy and then reminisced with my teacher from last year. Then I went upstairs and sat in the hallway and CHILLED. Then I had a realization: "HOLY SHIT, I'M HAPPY." So then of course I got all hyped up and was screeching my revelation to the world. IT WAS AMAZING. I actually managed to do my schoolwork in all of my periods so far! I EVEN DID MY ALGEBRA. And now you know how that's a big deal, because I can't STAND (or sit) for algebra. Especially when I don't get it. (I think we've all been there.) But I DID it and I even got some answers RIGHT. The world's not ending. I did, however, get a little distracted, and wrote a bunch of motivational shit on my hand. (Sorry, Mom.) It looked REALLY cool, though. (Until I accidentally washed it off in the bathroom.) ((Oops.)) (((OH WELL.))) So for the rest of my day, my aim is to stay happy. (I realize I'm having a bit of a problem making this post come together. THAT'S OKAY.) And I know it's possible, because I did it all the time in previous years. TODAY WILL BE AMAZING WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. I hope your day is amazing, too. And if it's not, then MAKE IT AMAZING, because YOU'RE AMAZING. Have an amazing day, unicorns.
NOTE: I have rearranged so that my newest posts come up first. I'm still figuring this out, mind you.